Ask Umberto

Q: Dear Umberto, What does it mean when a girl keeps bringing something up? I mean, this girl i know keeps telling me she wants to see that new David Duchovney movie. She tells me like every day, and i really like her alot. She also touches my arm alot when we talk, and bats her eyes at me.
What does she want?
---confused in toledo

A: Dear Confused,
This one has me stumped. I have never witnessed such inexplicable behavior. It could possibly be she has alzheimer's disease and has tragically lost her short term memory. Or perhaps it is a nervous tic. Maybe she's really trying to tell you she hates David Duchovney, and because you look like him she's trying to tell you she really hates YOU, and wishes you would take a nice large dose of rat poison. Of course, Umberto does not condone taking rat poison, and i advice you not to do that. On the other hand, she obviously hates you worse than a festering boil and so you should avoid her at all costs. And beat her to the punch! Go up to her tommorow, and say "HEY YOU NASTY PIECE OF UGLY PERSON YOU! I DO NOT LIKE YOU UGLY PERSON YOU!" That will get her BUTT GOOD.

Q: Dear Umberto,
I'm emailing you from class....i'm taking a history exam and need to know which was the last pope to be canonized?
---stumped in costa rica

A: Duh! Pope Pius X! I think. Maybe it was Pope Ghandi IV? Or was it Pope Madeline? I don't know. Email the vatican.

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